How to Kill Your Characters

“Write what you know,” the old adage says of fiction writing. Uh, well. I have to kill people off in my books. It’s expected. I can’t exactly practice. Well, I could but it might dampen my ability to write and publish freely, although I might have more writing time between my stints in the prison laundry. Hmmm. Something to consider.

But for now we’ll assume practicing murder isn’t practical. Which is why God, in His infinite wisdom, made workshops.

Some highlights from “Body Disposal for Writers”:

* If you throw a body in a fire, all the evidence will not burn up unless it’s a massive industrial fire. It takes two hours at 1,800-2,400 degrees to thoroughly burn a human body, and even then there are large masses of skeletal bones. You really just don’t want to know what a crematorium does to get those fine ashes for you to scatter Aunt Mabel in the Pacific. And then there are all those troublesome teeth. Unless your victim is a vampire, in which case a little bit of sunrise will work.

* If you knock your victim out and leave the body in the car, then set the car on fire, you will not likely have a huge explosion. Most car materials are flame-retardant now, and would burn out before reaching the gas tank. Plus there’s the whole tooth and bone thing.

* If your vic drowns with his eyes open, they’ll still be open when he’s found. If his pupils were dilated, they’ll still be dilated. His expression will pretty much be the same (horrified, I imagine).

* Carbon monoxide poisoning will turn a caucasian’s skin bright pink, and some snake venom will cause the skin to change different colors. Neither will work on the undead, however.

* Your vampires are going to have to be SUPER STRONG if they’re going to rip out a beating heart with their bare hands. I’m just sayin.

* Best natural body-disposal methods are alligators, sharks and, yes, pigs. Babe will eat anything–and everything. Want no evidence left over except a nicely cleaned skull and pelvis? Babe’s your girl.

Enough for now. Any questions? Now, go have some dinner.

This entry was posted in Blog by Suzanne Johnson. Bookmark the permalink.

About Suzanne Johnson

Author of urban fantasy, paranormal romance, and suspense. As Suzanne Johnson, she is the author of the Sentinels of New Orleans urban fantasy series (Royal Street; River Road: Elysian Fields, Pirate's Alley, Belle Chasse, Frenchmen Street (March 2018). Writing as Susannah Sandlin, she is the author of the Penton Legacy series (Redemption; Absolution; Omega; Storm Force; Allegiance; ILLUMINATION); The Collectors series (Lovely, Dark, and Deep; Deadly, Calm, and Cold); and the Wilds of the Bayou series (Wild Man's Curse; Black Diamond).

Comments are closed.