30 Books in 30 Days: Cards Against Humanity Edition

patriotic bannerI had so much fun reading about your games yesterday! There were fewer rpg’ers than I expected, some games I play (hello, solitaire) that I didn’t think of, and some (hello, Pacman) that took me down memory lane. Thanks for playing! Ready to go again?

In honor of the upcoming fun at Β Authors After Dark, I’m doing a 30-Books-in-30-Days giveaway. Okay, really it’s so I can pare down my TBR pile. Open internationally, and the book is a mystery–I can only tell you it will be either UF, SF, Fantasy, YA paranormal, or PNR. If you win, you can give me a couple of genres and I’ll match them if I can but I”m a lot heavier on some genres than others. (I don’t have a lot of adult UF, in other words because there just isn’t much coming out anymore.)

All you have to do to enter is answer a question.

So, until I started getting ready for AAD, I somehow had never heard of Cards Against Humanity, but since author Mina Khan and I, and perhaps one or two others, will be hosting a game on the Wednesday night of AAD, I offered to buy a set of cards. OMG. I can’t wait to play. Basically, it’s a game of outrageous questions on one set of cards and potential answers on another set of cards.

So I drew a question card at random: If I were president of the United States, I’d create a Department of ________________ (fill in the blank).

My answer card was: Sex with Patrick Stewart.

Uh, no.

So, answer the question: If I were president of the United States, I’d create a Department of ________________ (fill in the blank).

What you can say: anything, as long as it is not a truly political issue. I don’t want to talk about immigration, foreign policy, presidential candidates, the right to life, same-sex marriage, or the Confederate flag and where it should or should not be flown. I have firm opinions on all of those things, but this isn’t the venue for it.

So, my answer?

If I were president of the United States, I’d create a Department of Grocery Store Monitoring. I hate shopping. Hate. Shopping. Shopping for groceries is the worst of all. So I’d install monitors at the doors of supermarkets to confiscate cell phones and anyone under 18. The phones could be picked up on the way out; the children could all scream and cry and clutter the aisles in their own corral until their parents left. Anyone who slips a cell phone inside and is caught blocking an aisle while having a conversation would face prosecution.

Now, YOU fill in the blank!

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About Suzanne Johnson

Author of urban fantasy, paranormal romance, and suspense. As Suzanne Johnson, she is the author of the Sentinels of New Orleans urban fantasy series (Royal Street; River Road: Elysian Fields, Pirate's Alley, Belle Chasse, Frenchmen Street (March 2018). Writing as Susannah Sandlin, she is the author of the Penton Legacy series (Redemption; Absolution; Omega; Storm Force; Allegiance; ILLUMINATION); The Collectors series (Lovely, Dark, and Deep; Deadly, Calm, and Cold); and the Wilds of the Bayou series (Wild Man's Curse; Black Diamond).

54 thoughts on “30 Books in 30 Days: Cards Against Humanity Edition

  1. I’d create a department of internet trolls trolling. The internet trolls would have their internet access revoked for an undetermined amount of time when they started drama online for no reason. Every time they had to go and be that person who took the cute picture or joke too far and had to say something snarky about it etc. For extreme cases they would be assigned someone to rehabilitate them by offering rewards for positive thinking or punishment for negativity, until their trollish ways desist.

  2. Responsible use of bacon.
    I think people are eating to much bacon! It should only be given to those who have a medical bacon indication :-p

    • LOLOL. But…but….then I’d have to devise a Department of Medicinal Bacon Usage Permits. You know, so I could have bacon. It has gotten kind of ridiculous. I was in Portland a couple of years ago and brought back a bottle of Maple-Bacon Beer because it was so strange and the bottle was cool. I don’t drink beer, so I had a friend drink it. He said it was, and I quote, “vile.”

  3. Department of Air Conditioning Equality … because when summer rolls around every person* should have the right to reside in a temperature-controlled environment as not to get stinky.

    *including the undead (for some very obvious olfactory reasons)

    P.S.: I love your idea for grocery stores, but maybe we could add planes too? Not much shopping going on there, all right, but I’ve obviously sat in front or behind or next to too many obnoxious kids (and their brain-dead parents).

    • Oh, yes, definitely extend that to airplanes! If I wanted to spend three hours having a two-year-old try to play peek-a-boo with me over the back of an airplane seat, I’d have had kids of my own. Of course, when I refused to play and ignored him, he began crying, which was even worse. LOL.

  4. How about a department of author subsidies? So all of our wonderful authors would have the time to write great books without evil day jobs.

  5. Department of Naptime! I want to be able to save up naptime hours that I can cash in at later times when I am soooo tired and really need to use them. At work, no less!

    • As someone who seriously thought about locking my office door and climbing under my desk for a nap yesterday, I’m totally on board with this!

  6. Department of vacation and relaxation! Everyone would be guaranteed at least four weeks of paid vacation a year!

  7. Department of international promotions for books, a way to subside international giveaways so the author could do it without too much cost for them ( i don’t know reduced shipping fee ( or lack off even better^^)
    it would greatly help to learn language and discover authors^^

    • Definitely! I always hate to see “US and Canada Only” on giveaways, but a lower international shipping option would be helpful. (Book Depo is helpful but not for personalized stuff!)

  8. This is a fun game πŸ™‚

    I’d create an Office of Pedestrian Traffic Control. Living in NYC, this is my biggest pet peeve — people who stop short in the middle of the sidewalk, groups that walk four abreast and don’t let anyone by, people who text/email/sudoku while walking, people who stand on the left side of the escalator, people who…

    It’ll have to be a large department.

    • Oh my, yes. I don’t live in NYC, far from it–but a college campus is a horrible thing. They cross heavily trafficked streets with earbuds jammed in their ears, texting, never looking up. One of these days I’m going to run over one of them (not intentionally).

    • Yes! But could we expand it to include transit and blocking the train doors, taking up multiple seats, playing your imusic so loud that people three rows away can hear it…

  9. Department of Libraries. It’d make sure that everyone had access to a good public library.

    • That’s a good one! I grew up practically LIVING in my smalltown library, which I now realize was actually a pretty good library considering it was a town of only 2,000 people.

  10. I have to agree with all the rules against kids. I wish there was a department that would fine bicyclists the moment they violate the traffic rules. I hate them, they give me heart attacks whlie driving and they just scoot in front of you while you did not even see them come near you. They really think they are immortal.

    • Yes, same here, at least on a college campus. I have hit one (very minor-no damage) and also have been hit by one while walking, which flattened both of us. So a Department of Sensible Cycling is in order!

  11. I would start an Office of Fantasy Vacation to include travels to spooky cities and castles.

  12. Any and all of the above. πŸ˜‰

    If I were president of the United States, I’d create a Department of Common Sense. It really would be what it sounds like. Please. Use it.

  13. Department of Grammar Compliance, because bad grammar drives me crazy (not that I’m perfect, unfortunately). I probably should mention that I grew up with an English professor father.

    • Grrrrr. I’m the same way. Unfortunately, I’m the only editor on a staff of 25. What bothers me more than inaccurate punctuation and grammar is that no one cares, other than me. I feel like Sisyphus.

  14. Department of Bad Drivers. Anyone who is texting, reading or just plain bad while driving has to do community service cleaning up zoo’s and parks.

    • That’s being too kind. I’m thinking more like picking up trash along the highways in the dead of summer while drivers rush past them, texting and reading.

  15. Department of date nights! I’m just really overwhelmed at the moment and could use a good date night out with the hubbs πŸ™‚

  16. I’d create a Department of Paranormal Studies – to get to the scoop on all that paranormal activity that is going on right under our noses. πŸ˜€